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<title>I am at a loss to tell you how I feel; before you call it creepy, please check out my lower spine; a dead pilgrim is following but he's a friend of mine by CowgayKermit</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332032">I am at a loss to tell you how I feel; before you call it creepy, please check out my lower spine; a dead pilgrim is following but he's a friend of mine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CowgayKermit/pseuds/CowgayKermit'>CowgayKermit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Blood from the mouth, Dead Ben Hargreeves, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Not Beta Read, Unreliable Narrator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:21:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,644</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24332032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CowgayKermit/pseuds/CowgayKermit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a young man who could see ghosts; there was a different young man who had recently died. They were brothers.</p><p>If only things were that simple.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I am at a loss to tell you how I feel; before you call it creepy, please check out my lower spine; a dead pilgrim is following but he's a friend of mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi y'all. hope none of you are looking forward to dialogue, there is none to be found. but the tone and style is fun! also the fic is dark and weird.<br/>for bad things bingo: blood from the mouth</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben died and he was never coming back. </p><p>He died horribly, torn apart by monsters who used him as their doorway, their portal, their plaything. The screaming was soul tearing, as his soul was torn. The red blood and black ichor mixed together, spilling spilling spilling and never stopping. </p><p>This is how Klaus still saw his brother.</p><p>The story goes like this: once there was a little boy, he could see the dead. He didn’t like most of the dead. Some were okay, they were nicer. They spoke kindly, told him stories, tended to not be a bloody mess. Those who died more tragic tended to be more tragic in death. Not always, mind, but often. Sometimes the ones who still looked alive were just as mad as those ripped to shreds and those torn with marrow sticking out were kind.</p><p>But mostly the little boy didn’t like the ghosts.</p><p>They ganged up, they were loud, he couldn’t hear his father nor his siblings, they yelled and cried and stood in the way and he couldn’t see past them and he was every so glad he couldn’t smell their rot.</p><p>Maybe they were drawn to him because of his own rot?</p><p>He had to be just as rotten as they were. His father said so, the nannies sometimes said so (claiming it was a joke, that he was spoiled rotten having such a rich daddy, but how could that be a joke? if he was rotten?), the ghosts agreed as well. And wouldn’t they know? Couldn’t they see into his soul as he did theirs?</p><p>But then he found alcohol.</p><p>The bottle was just so pretty, he wanted to try what was inside. Maybe it would make him as pretty as the bottle when the liquid was inside him.</p><p>He hoped it was poison. (Spoiler: it was.)</p><p>Just not the poison he was hoping for. Later he would be told how it was poison. How he was poisoning his body. This didn’t bother him too much, he wanted it. He wanted the poison. A little internal poison to counteract the poison from the ghosts. Fight fire with fire and poison with more poison and see what killed him first.</p><p>It was the drugs.</p><p>The drugs killed him first.</p><p>But then he got up, after an OD and some life saving techniques from his mom. Kissed her on the cheek and continued to put more poison in his body.</p><p>His family yelled, but not as loud as the ghosts tended to, so he was okay with that. Less rotten that way. Yelling about how they don’t want to lose another sibling, Five already died (Klaus thought otherwise: never saw his ghost, no body, no crime and all that) and they didn’t want to lose another.</p><p>But then</p><p>they lost another.</p><p>The story goes like this: once there was a little boy, a monster lived in his tummy. He didn’t like the monster that lived in his tummy. It was mean and angry and wanted out out out out. It was rotten to the core, wanting to bathe in blood, be it other’s or the boy’s, the monster would take what it could get. </p><p>And it got.</p><p>Ben got covered in blood each time and always expected the monster to reach out for him next, pull the blood spilled as well as the blood inside him to it. He could feel it wanting to break free and run amok in the world he knew, destroying.</p><p>Only a little boy’s tummy was not big enough to fit through.</p><p>Maybe when he got older it could fit.</p><p>It could not fit.</p><p>Instead it tore and ripped and destroyed the portal instead of coming through.</p><p>Ben’s blood finally being taken by the rotten monster inside of him, blood coming from the gap in his middle, out of his mouth, his eyes, as it tried to make its way through, wanting to take over our world as it had its own. </p><p>It</p><p>hurt.</p><p>Who knew? Being torn to bits would hurt so much?</p><p>The saving grace of dying, Ben thought, was that the monster wouldn’t be able to do what it desired. The portal in his tummy was still not big enough, even when the monster made it bigger. </p><p>He screamed, he cried, he lost his life and his mind.</p><p>Oh so tragic and sad, you see.</p><p>Because the story goes like this: there once were two little boys and now there was a young man and a ghost.</p><p>The young man had found out by poisoning himself he stopped being poisoned by the ghosts, never to be seen. So he kept up an unhealthy diet of drugs and alcohol and not much else. This  is what mattered to him, to keep their rot away from him. He didn’t and couldn’t deal with the mad ghosts.</p><p>If it had been only the nice ones maybe this would be a different story.</p><p>
  <i>But it’s not.</i>
</p><p>Meanwhile we have a new ghost. The young man’s brother. Recently deceased. (RIP) Torn apart by the monster that lived inside him. He didn’t and couldn’t deal with this well. He became mad with it.</p><p>And we can’t blame him.</p><p>How would you hold up if it was you?</p><p>Now there was something <i>special</i> about this new ghost, beyond him being the young man’s brother. You see, something about him being a portal, being just as filled with rot, having special powers, or just the bond they had back when both were living</p><p>the drugs didn’t keep this one away.</p><p>Oh so tragic and sad, you agree?</p><p>For we have Klaus who is terrified of Ben.</p><p>He’d never been terrified of Ben before. Not when the monster would come out or act out, not when Ben was <i>oh</i> so scared of himself. No, Klaus was never afraid of him.</p><p>And why should he now?</p><p>He was still his brother, right?</p><p>
  <s>Right?</s>
</p><p>Time will tell.</p><p>And so far, what time said was: no.</p><p>No. He wasn’t still his brother.</p><p>Ben was dead. (RIP)</p><p>But Klaus, he still spoke to his brother, as if it was still Ben and not a new monster wearing his face. Screaming and blood coming from his mouth, running down, mixing with the black ichor and intestines where his tummy used to be. Told him jokes and stories and <i>Ben, remember when</i>.</p><p>Ben’s replies were always mindless screaming and pleading.</p><p>He never once laughed at one of Klaus’s jokes (rude!). He never asked Klaus if he was okay after a bad trip or when he got hate crimed (rude!). He never checked in when Klaus OD’d again again again again (rude!).</p><p>Klaus didn’t hold it against Ben. He clearly had a lot on his mind. It wasn’t his fault. Klaus didn’t know how it was to be torn apart by the rot inside you (but didn’t he?). </p><p>Maybe one day Ben would have something to say <s>please no stop no no no please</s>. Klaus decided to never give up hope that one day Ben would laugh at a joke. (Lies. Had he ever had hope? After he first saw the state Ben was in? Or had hoped died that day, just as his brother had.)</p><p>But Ben must recognize him? He followed Klaus around as if he did. Still processing what had happened to him, after all these years. Which was fine. Heal at your own pace.</p><p>But <i>can</i> the dead heal?</p><p>They’re dead.</p><p>Dead</p><p>Dead</p><p>Dead</p><p>But <i>do</i> the dead heal?</p><p>Klaus spoke to Ben, as if he was still Ben. Klaus pulled out chairs for Ben to sit in, as if he could and would instead of just standing in the space. Klaus poured coffee for Ben as if he could drink it, as if he was alive.</p><p>
  <i>dead</i>
</p><p>
  <i>dead</i>
</p><p>
  <i>dead</i>
</p><p>Oh so tragic and sad, you see.</p><p>When he was sober and the other ghosts come, the other monsters, rotten from the inside, joined Ben in the screaming and yelling and pleading and Klaus couldn't tell them apart. The look in their eyes was all the same. No humanity left. But with the tummy monster gone, shouldn’t Ben only be human now?</p><p>The nicer ghosts shook their head at Klaus, wishing they could help.</p><p>But they couldn’t.</p><p>No one could.</p><p>Not even Klaus.</p><p>It was his power, and yet he was powerless.</p><p>He made an aside to Ben, Diego asking who Klaus was talking to, he wouldn’t lie, so he didn’t. Said he’s talking to Ben. Shockingly, Diego didn’t like that answer; not believing him. <i>Oh yes? And what did Ben say back?</i> The sarcasm dripped like the blood from Ben’s mouth as Ben yelled and screamed and pleaded.</p><p>Klaus couldn't relay Ben’s reply, as this time, as it usually was, no actual words formed.</p><p>Whenever Ben started using actual words <s>please no stop no no no please</s> Klaus felt like maybe some of the rot inside him would go away, as soon as Ben realized what had happened and healed.</p><p>
  <i>But can the dead heal?</i>
</p><p>The million dollar question!</p><p>Not that Klaus needed a million dollars. His father was a billionaire afterall. Not that Klaus expected to get any of that cash once the fucker fucked off to the afterlife (please no not a ghost no no no please) but the point remained. He knew a million dollars wouldn’t fix his problem.</p><p>His problem being the rot.</p><p>Inside him.</p><p>Maybe he was what was causing Ben to be this way? Maybe if Klaus didn’t have the rot, then Ben could heal?</p><p>Take one of Diego’s knives and cut it out, remove it, let Ben be free.</p><p>A death unlike his others. No OD, no coming back from this.</p><p>Tear out his insides like Ben’s were torn.</p><p>Let them match in death (twinsies!).</p><p>
  <i>Oh so tragic and sad, you agree?</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>obliqueoptimism @ tumblr</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664104">oh, but you and all your vibrant youth (how could anything bad ever happen to you?)</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallynotRemus/pseuds/TotallynotRemus">TotallynotRemus</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
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